10 YEARS AGO

with 5 comments

This weekend will mark the 10 year anniversary of leaving Thailand. I was on the cusp of turning 30. Pregnant with Cosmo with toddler Ky in tow… we’d just packed up our home in Thailand after living there for two years.

We had no money, no home, what felt like – no life… nothing. The daunting prospect of creating a new life lay ahead. It was hard (really hard), February was so cold, dark & rainy, Luke worked all the time and Ky would ask everyday “When were we going back to the beach?”. Sadly, I’d tell him, we weren’t.

I can honestly say this past 10 years has been the biggest roller coaster of experiences and emotions. The highs and lows have been immense. Thankfully, it’s also been the making of me and who I am. I’m such a different person to that 30 year old… sometimes I want to give her a big old hug and tell her it’s all going to be ok… because they were many times I didn’t think it was ever going to come together.

So today, I’m looking over the edge to 40 next month and the conversations with my girlfriends go something like this…

“Is this how you expected to feel? Is this what you thought 40 would be like?

“I just imagined to have it all sorted” one longtime friend said.

I sat for moment. “Sorted” I thought. “What do you mean?”…

“You know… money in the bank, career mapped out, children on the right path, a real family home. I imagined 40 would be different.”

I wasn’t sure I agreed.

You see, I’m looking forward to 40. I’m ready for the next stage. In fact, I’m excited to see what it’s going to bring. I’ve been feeling the power of 40 for the past year. And being ‘sorted’ isn’t what’s driving me. Because I’m far from “sorted” in the realms she was talking about. Oh yes, I’d love a house we actually own, and a thriving career which leads to money actually staying in the bank, but that’s just stuff and what’s expected of us by those who’ve been before us, as to what’s ‘grown up’.

For me, I feel sorted in other ways – what I love about growing older is the comfort I feel about who I am… I trust my instincts, I care less about what people think about me, I’m happier in my body (even thought it’s not like it used to be) & how I do my hair, I know how to adjust to challenging situations with confidence, I know what I like, I know how to be kind to myself & care for myself, and most importantly… recognising that how I live my life IS good enough – it doesn’t have to be perfect, it just needs to be enough. This only comes with age and is the bonus way beyond anything else.

No, this isn’t wasn’t I thought turning 40 would be like… but in some ways it’s better. I know all that’s happened has brought me to here and for that I’m thankful. I don’t need a house if I’ve got my health, or money in the bank if I’ve got my family to love.

I never imagined when I was 30, that this would be my life, and it would be good… And as for being ‘sorted’… well, I’ve got the next 10 years to figure that bit out.

***

Inspired by all the amazing stories about getting older deliciously for Susannah’s birthday. Thanks Sus xxx

{Photos taken a week before we left Thailand – Jan 29th 2004}

 

Written by xanthe

February 7th, 2014 at 12:32 pm

Posted in 40

  • Jeri_Taira

    what a beautiful way to look ahead. I turn 49 this year. My mind is on 50 next year. You know Xanthe, it’s not what I thought either. I still feel like a young girl somehow. There were younger times when I felt older. Here’s to growing along in the ways that suit us. Cheers!

  • Jeri_Taira

    what a beautiful way to look ahead. I turn 49 this year. My mind is on 50 next year. You know Xanthe, it’s not what I thought either. I still feel like a young girl somehow. There were younger times when I felt older. Here’s to growing along in the ways that suit us. Cheers!

  • alisonchino

    I turned 40 this year too! And that’s just how I feel…content and comfortable in my own skin. Like I am past the point of having something to prove. And we just sold the house we owned and spent all the money in the bank moving to Scotland, so we’re moving backwards when it comes to doing what is expected. But something about that feels just right, most days.

    Beautiful sentiments! XO

  • amandasummons

    I moved to Thailand in September 2004 but had to leave only two years later. The pull of that country will never go away for me either :)

    Happy early birthday!

  • Bella Cirovic

    I loved reading this! Thank you for sharing.